Drywall, also known as sheet rock. Giant sheets of chalk that are covered by paper. HEAVY. But they give the walls a nice, smooth look. I remember the dirt and mess of tearing out the slats and plaster. But when the drywall was put up it made such a clean smooth look. Just hanging the drywall does not complete the job. You also have to mud it. What that means is using drywall mud or joint compound and filling in the cracks because where the pieces meet, there is a small space between them. It needs it be filled in so the wall looks complete. Like one whole piece.
I found in my life there were ideas and concepts that need to be one complete piece. I had thoughts and ideas that didn’t connect. I would hear something about a better life, changing the way I thought about myself, but it would not connect with my reactions or responses. What I thought on the inside sometimes reflected on the outside.
This same thing happened when we would put a piece of drywall over an newly built wall and a wall that was part of the old structure, sometimes they didn’t match up. So my husband would have to put thicker mud on it and build it out so it would look smooth. The old and the new were not the same. Just like me. My old ways of thinking and doing did not line up with the new, different life I wanted. So I had to add some mud to them. This was words of truth, not lies I believed about me not being good enough. I needed to add these words and thoughts that I deserved to have a great life, and there were people who loved and cared about me. Filling in the gaps and spaces in my thinking. Words of life and living, not just existing. The old ways are uneven. Sometimes twisted. Like the 2×4 boards in the existing walls. Pressure from the outside, not nailed properly so they stayed in place, or not being cut right all were causes for the wall being out of line. Same for me. Pressure from others to think like them, accepting wrong values and thinking patterns as being ok. Not being nailed in correctly for me was not having a foundation of truth. Truth of a love of life, others and especially myself. i was easily swayed to people and situations just because I had a void of belonging. I needed to fit in and be accepted.
The problem with this is, I set myself up for abuse. Being treated wrong. People who are desperate think even bad is ok. Many women stay in terrible relationships because they don’t want to be alone. Or they think that no one else will ever want them. They put up with wrong because they think this is all they could get or deserve. Everyone I knew had relationships like me. I really didn’t know anyone who was happy, just existing in life. Oh well, it’s just the way it is. Being cut right in the beginning for me was being in a family that had no understanding of being better or changing the way things were. They lived and thought and responded to people and situations the same way their families did.
I was determined to live differently. So I had to get out of my lifestyle. Find people who thought differently, had dreams and goals for their life. People who responded to people and situations in a positive way. And most importantly, people who were happy. So I had to tear out the old slats and plaster, (see my blog about that) and put up something new. I had to realize just because my life started out with parts lacking didn’t mean I had to live the rest of my life that way. I could make some changes. Everything can change. Your Health, finances, relationships, self love.
Just like restoring this house, nothing happens overnight. We had many many days and weeks and months tearing out the bad, weak and rotting places. I had bad, weak and rotting places in me too. My thoughts and attitudes about life and people. My thoughts and attitudes about myself. I had to tear out those things. I had to choose to believe differently. We live the way we believe. If you believe an education is important then you will go to school. If you believe its important to be healthy you will eat good and exercise. If you believe it is important to be honest you will not trick and deceive people. Work ethics and a good reputation are important. But many people don’t feel like anything is important. I was just trying to get by. Looking for a glimpse of hope and happiness. And can I say people lie to themselves. I told myself lies and pretended like people were different than they really were. Closing my eyes to the truth. Making myself stay In unhealthy, negative places.
Many of my old ways, like I said, didn’t match up with the new ways, hopes and dreams of a new, different life. So just like the drywall mud, I kept filling in the cracks. I kept listening to successful people, happy people. Letting God into my situations and changing the way I think and see the world. My husband would put the mud in the cracks but he would also use something called drywall tape. It is a thick paper on a roll. This would seal the cracks and give the mud more support. It would then have to take time to dry. Ugh. This is the part we all hate. Waiting. I would put new ideas and dreams into my heart and mind but things didn’t change overnight. I had to let things set. I had to let these new concepts take root.My husband would go back in a few days and fill those seams and cracks with more mud. As they dried they would shrink. Leaving some space to still be filled. I had to put more and more good into my mind and heart. As some would fill up the cracks and shrink, I would add more.
As my husband checked his work, sometimes he would find places where the mud and tape didn’t stick. He would have to cut it out and start over. Same for me. I would have a truth placed in my heart and mind, but it wouldn’t stick. I had something that was stopping it. Especially where my value was concerned. I had a hard time believing someone could really love me and want me. I finally began trusting people, but I still dealt with thoughts and feelings of rejection and worthlessness. But I had God and People in my life that were patient. Putting the mud on, helping me cut out the bad spots. Checking to see if I was ready for the next coat. Guess what, there are people out there that want to help you.
The next part is awful. It makes a big mess. Sanding the drywall. Sandpaper to remove all the edges and bumps, making the cracks and seams smooth. It makes a big powdery mess. Dust. On. Everything. Everywhere. This was not a fun process for me. It was sanding away at the wrong thoughts and beliefs that were still hanging on. Its the negative attitudes and unforgiveness that wanted to steal from my smooth beautiful life God was wanting to give me. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Fun,no. Easy, definitely not. Necessary, you bet. Unfortunately I see many people who want a better, different life but they won’t let go of the wrong. They hold on to the bitterness and unforgiveness. I have said this before, but Forgiveness is never for the perptrator. It is always for you. It in no way ever says what was said and done was ok. It wasn’t. Forgiveness releases you from the sting of it. It gives you the strength to move on, out of that pit. It is you saying I will not let this moment in time steal from me any longer. Freedom. It takes time. Just like this sanding process. After sanding sometimes you have to add mud again, let it dry and sand again. Layers. Forgiveness comes in layers. I had forgiven people right after I got saved. But guess what, 30 years later I was forgiving them still. Layer after layer. Some things are deep. some things take time.
After the drywall has been mudded, sanded and painted, after a time cracks can appear. Sometimes this happens because the walls have settled. Moved to a lower place because of the foundation moving. Sometimes it is because of stress from an outside source. With me I had cracks show up because I would let lies in about myself. Even years later, I would move from that place of confidence in my worth and value. I would be depressed and withdrawn. Looking happy on the outside but sad on the inside. Sometimes it would be stress to be like others and the lies that I wasn’t as good as them would sneak in. Comparison is good for that. Sometimes it would be a persons opinion about me. Something they said and sometimes it was what they didn’t say. Looking for peoples approval and acceptance for my decisions. Being a people pleaser is the worst thing in my life. It is with people praises I felt good but also with their disappproval or indifference that I would feel less. Cracks in my drywall.
Can I say that I am so much better? I am focusing on being the best me I can be. God is already crazy about me and so is my family. I don’t have to fit in and compare myself. I am an original and so are you. There has never been anyone like you and there never will be. All I can say is dream big, plan for greatness, let it come out of you. Seeds of greatness are in us. Find your passion and find your voice. Go touch the world. We are here for a short time. A cameo in this stage play called life. Make it count.